Unquiet Desperation

To be awake is to be alive.

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Category : Introspection

Twenty Years Gone

The usual band of miscreants…taken in 1989 or 1990 by my friend James (not in the picture).

I’m the guy on the left.

Good Lord. Where did these kids go?

Satisfaction and Sharing

One of the things that greatly reduced my satisfaction in writing code for a living was the realization that I could not share it.

Coding is one of those things that can be terribly interesting to a very specific portion of the population, and to everyone else, it is arcane knowledge either from On High or from The Pits of Hell, depending on the listeners’ outlook1. Early in our marriage my wife learned the fine art of smiling and nodding encouragingly especially when she had no idea what I was talking about. It was impossible for me to really share what I was doing because the set of people who could appreciate it and the set of people I spend time with has little or no intersection.

I like to share my joys with people. Ask anyone who has had to suffer through my skimming thru an iPod while I play music for them2, or who has come by after a trip to the book- or game store.  I like to to share the shiny stuff I find, and like a small child, I hope that they like it as much as I do.

This has been one of the reasons what I’ve pulled away from writing code during non-work hours: I want to focus on creating things which can be shared. It might be working up some ice cream with the new ice cream maker we received as a housewarming gift. It might be brewing beer or cooking a meal for my family. It might be gaming with friends…sharing time with likeminded folks can be the best sharing of all.  Code does not do this for me. Even podcasting does not do this for me. Social networking is a pale substitute3…I prefer the physical world to the Internet any day of the week.

What is it in life that brings you the most satisfaction?  Is it something you like to share, or do you keep it to your self?




  1. Even my own outlook varies from day to day.[back]
  2. An exercise my wife has come to call Chris’s Top 40, and not in a good way[back]
  3. Social Networks are to Real World Interaction what Tofu Cheese is to Sharp Cheddar.[back]

The Four States of a Creative Project

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series Working the Creative Project

It seems to me that a project is always in one of four states:
  1. Progressing Forward
  2. Assessing or Regrouping
  3. Spinning Uselessly
  4. Sliding Backward
The goal is to be in one of the first two, but most of the time we spend our time in number three or four.  In my own life, the process usually goes something like this:
  • It’s early in the project. There is excitement and motivation. I am Progressing Forward.
  • Time passes. Other things are intruding on my project. Trivial things like family, work, and sleep. I realize I’m in danger of Sliding Backwards, and so I Asses and Regroup.
  • After assessing, I swing back into Progressing forward for a few days.
  • Something stops me, either not having information, or worse, I’m having trouble staying motivated. I start to read my friends’ blogs or other online sources looking for ways to keep the project Progressing Forward. I think I am Progressing Forward, but the truth is, I’m Spinning Uselessly.
  • I start to doubt the worthiness of the project. I realize I am Spinning Uselessly, and I am ashamed of this. The project becomes a burden; instead of a joyful exercise, it is now an Obligation. I begin to avoid it, and it starts Sliding Backwards.
  • After so long Sliding Backwards, the project is no longer worth it, and it is tossed way.
The biggest challenge we have is that of consistently Progressing Forward; avoiding the distractions or using some form of Psychological Aikido to use their own force against them.

How do you foster your projects? How do you keep Progressing Forward?

Friday Night Blather

Currently Listening To:

Turf by Luka Bloom

Realizing…

I have a love/hate relationship Leo Babauta, the author of the Zen Habits blog. As much as I enjoy his many lists about how to make my life simpler, I balk at purchasing his book about building a simpler life. This is mostly because I cannot get past the paradox of buying a book that will teach me how to do without buying more things.

If I buy it, I fear a black hole made of pure irony will swallow me whole.

Sorry, Leo.

Wishing…

Mur Lafferty would not be quite so good at totally kicking my ass. I like my carpet square of Comfort and Neurotic Longing, damn it.

Laughing at…

<swight>  ”DARPA Advances AI Program For Air Traffic Control”
<swight> C`mon they GOTTA call that SkyNet
<jonathans> haha
<jonathans> yeah
<jonathans> It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are at the arrival gate.

Thinking…

Of watching more of the first season of 24, since I missed the whole series. This is not unusual. I’ve accepted that I will always be 3-5 years behind the curve. The downside is that I don’t have a lot to discuss regarding the world of television entertainment. The upside is that my Network of Geekly Comrades who are up to date will filter out all the crap long before it occurs to me to watch it.

Hoping…

You all have a great weekend. I expect your essays on my desk Monday morning.

For Memorial Day, I went to the birthplace of Superman.

I drove to a neighborhood called Glenville on the east side of Cleveland.  There, at 10622 Kimberly Ave, is former home of one Jerry Siegel. It was in this house where he and his buddy Joe Shuster created on of the greatest icons in world culture.

This is the place where Superman was born.

Last year, author Brad Meltzer and a group of comic fans raised over $100,000 to renovate the birthplace of the most famous fictional character of the twentieth century. He pointed out, quite fairly, the City of Cleveland was letting the house rot, and that it was going to come down to the fans to save it.

And save it, they did.

Now, there’s a sign out front, and a plaque that tells you what you’re looking it.  But unless you knew to come here, you’d never know it existed.

The house is both inspirational and heartbreaking at the same time.  It’s wonderful that a bunch of people pitched in to raise money to save it. At the same time, the neighborhood is a mess. The vacant, boarded-up houses nearby are rotting; one had a sign to ward off looters: “NO COPPER. PVC PLUMBING ONLY.”

There are no fast food joints here. No large-chain gas stations. No Seven-Elevens. Hardly any business at all.

If there was ever a place that needed a hero, Glenville is it.

And yet, sitting there in my car, looking at the house, I was inspired. Two kids, two poor, frustrated, hormone-addled high-school kids created something wonderful there. That deserves some respect. That deserves some homage; some reverence.

Superman’s fame isn’t tawdy; it isn’t cheap. Unlike Batman, it isn’t born from angst and darkness. Superman is one of the most rare creations, he’s famous for being the Good Guy. There’s a purity to Superman that is utterly lacking in in most pop culture icons. It’s his signature, his staying power; it’s why people still look to this fictional character with hope.

These two kids took a man and gave him three things: 1) Morals, 2) Strength, and 3) Bulletproof Skin1.  That’s it. That was the formula. Hardly original. in fact, other parts of the Superman myth were cribbed entirely from other sources. Doc Savage, for instance, was known as the Man of Bronze and had a Fortress of Solitude. Superman was not created in a vacuum…he was a mashup of things that came before, and he is greater than the sum of his parts.

As a creative guy, this gives me hope. There is a myth of originality that creative folks cling to, as if there is anything new under the yellow sun. All we can do is remix and recast not only without shame, but also without guile.

And greatness? Superman achieved worldwide acclaim and recognition. The Siegel and Shuster families, however, have been fighting for the rights to Superman for years.

And the house in Glenville, where the two boys drew on old pieces of wallpaper, nearly passed away entirely.

The house serves as both inspiration and cautionary tale. It is both despair and hope, both dread and faith.

And between those, it endures.

Just like all of us.

(Click below to read the plaque)




  1. In the beginning, he couldn’t fly. He could only leap.[back]